Greetings, I am back and i have alot to share with you all.
Wow, wow, I begin my latest post with these words. And where to begin? I will start right at the beginning. Two years ago I came across a few posters advertising for those interested in vipassana meditation; I had been meditating as a teenager but never learnt the art properly, so I decided that this was the opportunity for me to learn the art of meditation. I immediately went to check out the website and find out about the course dates, venues and prices. I was even more determined when I found out that this course would be a free course, for my benefit; food, accommodation and the method would be supplied to me for free, I thought, wow, now I have no excuse.
But as most of us may have come to learn, when it is not your time to experience something, then there is nothing that one can do to change this, it was not my time. Every time I wanted to attend a Vipassana course, something or the other would come up, so I just let it be, knowing at the back of my head like many of my dreams that I have known; will happen someday.
2008 came, and it came hard, with many ups and downs, storms and turbulence's; I found myself at a cross road towards the end of the year in my second semester. Without going into the details, things were really bad and if you know me, then you know what I have been putting myself through for the past years. I cam across the poster once again and decided that this time I would see the course through for sure, certainly I had no excuses, because previously, I had said that the course was too far away and I would not be able to travel for what ever reason. This time, the course was coming to Grahamstown and still everything was for free, so now what? No excuse, that’s it.
I proceeded to apply for the course, telling myself that there is no harm in trying, because it is certainly better than giving up, and I was ready to give up. I applied, got accepted after few formalities and as the days grew nearer; I began experiencing cold feet combined with excitement. For I wondered if this was for me and if I could ever be able to go ten days without speaking and just meditating while living the life through donation like a monk, what was I getting myself into? But my fears were nothing compared to what I was to actually experience, it was much much more difficult, challenging and intense, but I saw the darkness through to get to some light.
Due to the personal nature of such a course I will just describe my experience shallowly, as for depth… well; you would have to get a hold of my journal for that! The purpose of this post is to share my experience with those who may have heard of vipassana and wondered what it is like, those who have shared the same experience, those who are still to share the experience, those who might have no idea of vipassana meditation and most importantly, those who are miserable, those who know not yet that they are miserable, those who find themselves in darkness and hopelessness, those who may want to a explore a way that will bring you to life again, may all who share in my post gain something from it, so go on…
On the 10th of December I took a taxi from Joza, with one suitcase filled with enough comfortable cloths to last me ten days, two blankets and a pillow, I was going to live the life similar to that of a monk for ten days. I was going on the long awaited and much needed vipassana meditation course. I arrived at the doors of the college of the transfiguration, not sure if I was at the right entrance. Yes, a bit confused would be the right word to describe my mood at the time. The taxi driver had asked me “are you sure you know where you are going” I looked at him and replied with much ease “I am very sure”; I thanked him and got off the taxi and walked into the building.
It was quiet and ones voice could easily be echoed here, it was an old building surrounded by an aura of mysteriousness and a small yet beautiful garden. I found my way inside, and to the kitchen where I was told to wait as someone was on their way to register me. So here I was finally, after all this yearning, in this old building used for the training of priests and nuns, the quietness was one which I was not used to, I had left all my material belongings at home and I would not be allowed to write, read, run, listen to music, speak and had to obtain noble silence for ten days etc, etc. Was I prepared? Well I had come this far and there was no turning back and I would never find out if I was prepared until I did it and yes, it was about time.
I registered for the course. I then went upstairs to the room that I was to use for the next ten days; I put my luggage down and just sighed. Already I was agitated, asking myself “what now? What to do with myself now? I wish I had brought something along to read?” Pacing in my room, I lay myself down to read about the history of this meditation and to get some rest. Soon the time neared where a gong was rung, this turned out to be the major form of communication in the next ten days, if you miss the gong then you might be a bit lost. This time the gong brought everyone together for a kind of orientation talk and the next one to follow was to be one calling all to supper. That supper we all ate together, however, the next ten days everything was to be done separately between males and females, there was to be no contact, physical, verbal or gesturing etc etc.
Now here is what was funny for me, when the rules were described to us, the gentleman stated that males and females are to be separated at all times so as to avoid any such distractions that may come. I laughed at this once again confronted with the assumed heterosexist nature of our world. “What about me?” I thought, its not the men you ought to keep me away from…it’s the womyn. Oh well, it all works in my favour lol. No, not at all. On a more serious note, I was not here to find a new lover, but to learn the art of Vipassana meditation. Although I must admit, without disclosing too much information; a human is a human is a human is a human and there were of course a few attractive womyn taking the course, but that was not to be my focus.
Dinner was served, I do not eat tomatoes generally, especially when I can see them, the meal was penne and tomato gravy with lentils however that night and the days to come, I ate whatever was to be given to me... yes my journey had begun. That meal and all the meals to come would be simple vegetarian meals which all turned out to be divine.
Once all formalities were out of the way including five precepts not kill, lie, steal, engage in sexual activities and to abstain from using intoxicants, the teaching of the course began. It began with the introduction of our to be teacher during the duration of the course, as well as a video introduction by his teacher SN GOENKA, who I was to become absolutely mesmerised with.
That evening we were taught to begin by observing the breath and respiration, everything was explained in much detail. A normal day in a vipassana course consists of getting up at 4:30, meditating until 6:30, breakfast at 6:30, meditation at 8:30 until 11, with a few five minute breaks of course, lunch at 11, meditating at 1 until 17pm, no supper, meditating at 18pm until 19pm, at 19:00, we watch a discourse video given by Goenka himself, this was my favourite part of the day, at 20:30 again we meditate until 21:00 which is then a period for questions and answers with the teacher, we were also allowed to have interviews with the teacher regarding any difficulties that we were experiencing.
The interviews were also my favourite as the teacher turned out to always put me at ease and to answer my questions fully, a very charismatic presence he had. The discourses, well, I loved them because there was so much to learn from this… so much and Goenka has an amazing sense of humour and if you know me very well, then you know that I don’t laugh easily and have distaste for comedy, or lets say used to, because I have realised that it is time to start laughing. I was totally hypnotized by Goenka, so full of wisdom, sense and guidelines which are totally universal and non- sectarian, I also loved the fact that he reminded me so much of my grandad and the way in which he sometimes speaks, but this too you would have to experience to understand.
For those who may not know, just an overview of vipassana meditation. Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It was an art mastered and taught by Buddha the enlightened one, who passed it on and it has been practised for centuries. It is totally non sectarian or religious, it is just to teach one the art of living. Living a peaceful, happy, harmonious, selfless life in which one generates love, compassion until one reaches the ultimate stage of liberation.
It is not only a meditation experience but practising this meditation; the results are to manifest themselves soon everyday in ones life. Now here is what is profound about this meditation; it teaches one to never look outside but to always look at the truth and the reality within, always observing and never reacting, never clininging and craving or generating negativity such as hatred and aversion. SN Goenka was taught the art by Sayagyi U Ba Khin and it goes further back and further back I am sure. One can learn more about Vipassana and its history from the website, which I will post at the end.
My first day of meditation in the hall, was not too bad, after all I was still fascinated by this technique I was going to learn. However, by 4pm my body was sore from sitting in the Buddha position, my mind was violent and could not be concentrated, I got frustrated, and decided that I had come to the right place at the wrong time. There was so much that went through my mind. I cried and wept like a baby. I reminded myself that I had come here to be disciplined like I used to be, if I run now, then I will surely be a failure, a successful failure. So I toyed with the idea for a while.
That evening, amazingly during the discourse Goenka said that he knows it may be difficult for a new student, he said that the mind as we will see is wild and has become accustomed to not being concentrated, but he emphasised that we are here to change this and it will change eventually and we will acquire new ways of the mind. He also made jokes regarding students that come and want to leave on the first day, “they want to run away, saying this course is not for me, I will come back another time” I burst out laughing at the familiarity of these thoughts and thought “wow that was for me”.
So I stayed on day two, that was ok, I persisted and worked hard to break the old patterns of the mind. On day three, I felt horrible again, things from the past started to surface and they not only manifested in my mind, but they manifested in sensations during meditation periods, I felt discomfort, agitation and pain, I wanted to literally pack my things and run out at night with my bags so that I would not have to face the teacher, or the lovely old lady who had told me that this will get easier.
But Being me, I stayed, I decided to give it another try and after one evening discourse, Goenka spoke about winning over the thought of leaving and forgetting about such negativity, “stay, fight you battle, purify the mind”. From that day onwards I decided that there was to be no more entertaining of the negative thoughts and I would fight the enemies until, I am master of my mind and until until, until... I was to only be optimistic and when things were bad I was to take rest and have a shower, I realised the true healing potential of water during this course. After this promise to myself, it got better and day after day after day began to pass by.
Still though, the difficulties were there, the challenges were there, I even cried for an incident which had happened to me years ago which I had never thought or cried about, I thought wow, something is surely happening. But soon I was to observe and stop reacting and always watch my respiration and body. On day four, we began the real method of Vipassana meditation, as the previous days were to only sharpen our mind to these sensations while mastering the art of concentration while just observing.
Vipassana involved the observation of physical sensations without reacting to pleasurable or painful ones, to just accept them as they are and not as we would like them to be, after a few days we went deeper our sensations through the body and exploring the entire field of mind and matter, amazing I tell you, its another whole world inside and we don’t even want to explore it.
Day eight was another very difficult day, I experienced much frustration and agitation as my past arose as these horrible sensations. I felt like a drug addict who was going through withdrawal symptoms, and it is very much like that because we were training our minds to no longer behave the way it used to, a real battle.
Before I knew it my hard work had got me through the tough experience and it was day ten. Day ten was both a sad and happy day. It was the day when the noble silence ended to prepare us for the chattering of the outside world. I got to meet some amazing people, like minded which is more important to me, because now, I know like so many of friends and family have failed to understand me and what I am searching for, here were a number of people who wanted the same path and who understood much of what I wanted.
For the first time in reality I encounterd people who would give up so much of this material world for happiness, true happiness. For the first time I cam across people who just dedicated their lives to what made them happy. I came across people who were living simple lives on organic farms, people, who understood eating green, people, who understood the importance of fair trade cloths and people who denounced a lot of what this capitalist system has shoved down our throats and our children’s throats, people who keep on spewing out what they have been forcefully fed. People who are not afraid to denounce this materialistic and self centred life we have come to live. People who know that, who have experienced that money will not make you happy; money will not make you successful, and people who surely understand that you don’t have to follow the system in order to live this life…wow!
One particular gentle man, I am still wowed by him even now. Out of all the people, he is the one who left a deep impression with me and I only met him the morning of our departure while cleaning up. He told me that he gave away his house, his furniture and all his belongings. He is a vipassana male manager and has no where to call home, he is proud of this. Next year he takes an even bigger step, he goes to India and Sri- Lanka to be a full time monk. He will wear the same clothing everyday, live with other monks and at times at the grave yard in the open contemplating death, he will go from door to door with a trail of monks begging for food everyday, wow… All of this in order to break and destroy his ego, these are the people we owe respect to, the people we need to follow, they are not ignorant and understand what this ego will do and has done to mankind.
While we are busy trying to obtain this car and that house and this job and those cloths so that the “I” can get stronger, there are others like this gentleman who lives to destroy the ego; the only enemy that man has. I was amazed and promised to keep in touch with him as I must know more about his experience when he is back, who knows, maybe some day I too may be ready to tread this path.
The day when noble silence was over, I had never seen so many people in one place so happy, looking so healthy, glowing, going red with laughter, I was amazed. I too was changed inside, I was laughing and smiling abnormally and it was contagious, my self consciousness was gone and I took an interest in others without reacting. Amazing…
So the final morning came, we had an amazing milk dish, amazing but still a simple one. We all cleaned up the place voluntarily and what ever left over food there was, was distributed. For me it marked the beginning of my vegetarian and simple healthy food journey, so you can imagine, I was the first in line.
So here I was now, nine days ago I was so miserable and today I was leaving happy and smiling. I even cried tears of joy and a bit of sadness when I had to leave, such beauty was now over. But one of the teaching of Buddha is to not allow yourself attachment to anything or wise one can be miserable as all good things must come to an end and change is the only thing constant, so with this in mind I wiped my tears and thought, it is only the beginning, far from the end…I smiled.
So now what? Yes, it is over, but it is also the beginning of much greatness. The results are to manifest themselves in my life as I continue to practise vipassana even though I may not be in a course. I continue to learn more of the teachings of Buddha and to treat all with love and to destroy this ego, but it is only the begining. These ten days have been the most amazing and real ten days of my life and I hope to grow in Vipassana. I encourage all to think about taking a course and learning so much that has been kept away from us for varying reasons. The courses are run around the world, and perhaps even in your area, the website to go to is http://www.dhamma.org/ . Do check it out; it will not harm you at all. I shall end this post in a Goenka like way. May all beings be happy, peaceful and liberated...
